i was "pure consciousness", now "back in the world", am lost and suffering

Q.  I met an awakened being and awoke to pure consciousness and abided there. Took a sabbatical off of work and meditated 4-8hrs a day. Identification with the body/mind was minimal and gone was the individual; thought processes nearly halted...the most transcendent time.

gary weber

After a year of seclusion was rudely forced back into the world...re-integrating is incredibly challenging. Am in a frantic effort to maintain this stated; unfortunately, eventually maya got the best of me and the neurosis of the mind has come back and identification with the body mind returned, along with suffering, anxiety, depression... I meditate when I can but the experience is very painful and depressing.


I searched neo-advaita for an answer. What a joke...neo-advaita teachers are armed to the teeth with a vast array of nondual concepts. It was my experience that they have no presence, their state of being is completely underdeveloped. There is no absorption, no samadhi to their experience. They are limited to the realm of concepts/mind. All they parrot is the intellectual understanding of enlightenment.


Looking for advice and help in integrating the relative and absolute and to reclaim that perfect peace without exception.


Thanks Gary, hopefully you'll be able to give me some clarity and direction regarding my situation.


G:


Unless your practice can stand up to being "in the world" then it isn't really complete. Only in the complexity of today's world and relationships can you see if you are really "detached" and "grounded" in your understanding. After the page turned for "me", i found myself "back" - a wonderful test of what i really understood.




Just completely let go of the story of what happened before; the memory of it is a great impediment now. Try the "Sedona" surrender approach, i.e. invite the experience of that time completely into consciousness, let it dance completely, and then ask:


1) Could i let go of this?


2) Would i/will i let go of this? Does it still "serve" and nourish me? Is it helpful or is holding me back?


3) When would i let go of it?


you really can let go of it. you're keeping it around - no one else. The way the brain stores memories, it is almost certain that the memory is no longer correct in every detail, perhaps in many details. i also strongly recommend Byron Katie's work as another approach to letting go.


i do not recommend your leaving your family, or dropping out/disappearing - the Universe has brought you to where you are for some "reason", use it. Ramana Maharshi, probably the most famous austere renunciate of the 20th century, never advised anyone (well, there was one, but it was a really unusual situation) to "drop out". He said countless times that you can be fully realized with a family, a job, etc.


What is important is surrendering; every attachment, thought and emotion that arises, feel where you are holding on, and then move into that and feel the "could i, would i, when?" It may not always let go completely, but the amazing thing is that even if you say "no, no, never", something lets go. you may see it again if it's a big one, but it will be a weaker version.


Understanding that there is "no free will", as you have, is a HUGE step. That appears to be critical for full awakening, w/o it you really haven't surrendered. Without that acceptance, there is still an "I" hanging on to the belief that it can make it all work out, that it is in control, it just needs another chance...


The change in the quality, energy and type of the experience of "abiding" will continue, and continue - it all comes down to abiding and surrender.


Remember that you have 100,000,000,000 neurons with 10 times that many interconnections, maybe 10% of which are in networks that can be released or modified to have awakening deepen and deepen. However, it's not something "you" can do; once the brain has reached the point you have, it is "driving the bus", not "you". The brain actually knows where those networks are and how to operate them - "you" don't.


What you can do to get out of the way is to keep asking the inquiries, a.k.a. Ramana, of "where am I?", "when am I?", "who is awakening?", "i am not this body", "i am not these thoughts", etc.


A key is to keep moving on to new approaches after a practice has gone "stale" and lost its energy and impact; the ego/I is trying to stop this process and it will pull out all the stops to divert it. It will find a way to block most approaches after a while, so keep trying new ones.


Q.


You are absolutely right. It's interesting to see how the "me" attached itself to a sense of self identity even in enlightenment. Even during those periods there would be a sense of pride, a sense of wanting to show off my newly acquired realization.