Saturday, November 19, 2016

Relationships, Attachments, and Nonduality...FAQs

As folk progress in this work, many FAQs are "What is happening to my relationships?"  "i'm having a hard time relating to folk like i used to.",  "i feel differently toward my partner, family and long-time friends."  "What is happening to my sex drive?", etc.

Looking for the "I"


These FAQs manifest as the ego/I and its stories, fears, attachments and desires are looked at, perhaps for the first time, with self-inquiry and "letting go" practices.

As we openly, and curiously, investigate what/where/when the "I" is, and what it "does", we discover that it is NOT the single, stable, concrete entity we were told, and believed, it was.

Instead, we see a swarm of ad-hoc "I"s that do not make us happy nor improve functioning in the "real world", but instead create our anxiety, depression, fears and worries.


Relationships and Codependency

What happens to our relationships as we uncover the "I"s?

The consistent report is that interactions in relationships change.  Folk feel different...disconnected from "others".   Partners, friends, family, and co-workers say "you've changed", but don't know how/why, and can't imagine what they, or "you" have done.

As many relationships involve some codependency, as pointed out by Byron Katie's "I Need Your Love - Is That True?", as the letting go of the stories driving co-dependency progresses, it can fall away, causing deep changes.

As discussed in blogposts/videos, the (in)famous Default Mode Network, through which our emotionally-charged, problematic, self-referential desires, fears and "blah, blah" thoughts manifest, is weakened as the communication decreases between key centers.


Downgrading the "I" program

The "I" program, the only brain program we can consciously observe and change, is "downgraded" from being a/the "main" program ("Are 'we' just outdated, buggy programs?").   The other programs, which run 99% + of the body-mind's activities, ("Are our lives controlled by our unconscious brain?") are untouched.

The "I" program moves from center stage > the desktop where clicks are few > a prominent file folder > a file that requires searching > the cloud or a flash drive.

This downgrading is noticed.  A typical report is "it's clear that i'm not running things anymore".  The brain, not a bff of confusion, anxiety, fear, and depression, is "movin' on".

As things progress, the egoic/I-based reactions, speech patterns and body language arising from deeply-embedded fears, traumas, desires and stories, change significantly.  As "others" interacted with those patterns for years, they now feel/see/hear very different patterns.  "we" also are surprised as we become less agitated, anxious and fearful, and more grounded and present.


What's Going to Happen to "Me"?

The fears/stories that the frightened, disappearing ego/Is then generate to hang on to their jobs are "What's going to happen to 'me'?  Will i lose all of my relationships?  What will i become?  Will i lose my job, partner, friends?"

As the blogpost "There's no free will...accept it, attack it, ignore it, hide it?" described, what is going to happen in every/all situations has always been out of your control, and will continue to be so, whether you are "awake" or not, however you feel about it, whether you're attached or not.   "your life" will go on as it was supposed to, and you'll know because that is how it is going.

Also, whether you "draw the nondual card", and whether you have the motivation to persist with the self-inquiry/letting go process is out of your control.

Will your relationships stay the same?  NO.  They can't as the "interacting/personal you"s are fundamentally changing.   It is important to realize that not only is "your situation" out of your control, but the other(s) you relate to are not in control of "their lives" either, and they may be moved closer or farther away, or leave.


Will my pleasures go away?

Recent mobbed
  "League of Legends"
championship

in NYC.
Oskar doin' his thing
Will drugs, alcohol, social media, video gaming, sex, wing suiting, hang gliding, rock climbing, etc., continue?

The brain runs a pleasure/pain optimizing algorithm/program and will pick the one with the highest ratio, i.e. the most pleasure for the least pain.

An important factor is that for evolutionary-survival ("How to deepen your awakening practices...neuroscientifically") "pain" incorporates craving, longing, dissatisfaction, anhedonia/saturation, etc., and over-weights it 3 to 5X.

What wins ("Which is more pleasurable...psychedelics, the nondual state or sex?") is nonduality which drives the brain towards removing the "I" program.  Try it and see what happens.   Get into the nondual state, even briefly...feel what it feels like, then do your current favorite pleasure(s).  

With progress on the path, as "I"- generated pain declines significantly, your ratios improve dramatically and "pleasures" are more intense as you are "there" for the pleasure, not frolicking with the "I"s.   Sex, filled with craving, expectation, disappointment and bartering becomes a spontaneous, profound, natural, dance without dancers.

If you watch carefully, you'll see that our "pleasures" are ways to get into the "nondual" space, whether it's free climbing, alcohol, sex, hobbies, games, etc...anything but remain in the "blah, blah".  


What will happen to my kids?

Another FAQ is, "What will happen to my kids?  If i'm not attached to them, will i take care of them?".   As i have shared many times, the last attachment that i had to let go of was my attachment to my daughters, as we were close.

Only when i felt they would be able to take care of themselves, and would not be impacted by whatever happened with "total surrender", did i let go of this attachment.   i am a better father w/o being attached to them, because i am present w/o agenda, storylines, or expectations, and with them as and how they need me.


Won't i lose my compassion for others?

The blogpost "Is your compassion all about 'you'?", describes how what we call "compassion" is really just reciprocal altruism, which is "i'll do something for you, if you do something for me (and i get a good [dopamine] feeling from doing it.)"   HH The Dalai Lama agrees:
C'mon you know who it is...

"Human beings may naturally be selfish, but they are also naturally compassionate, science shows. Helping someone else does make a person feel good – but that is a wise kind of selfish."

IME, w/o ego/Is to generate a "let's make a deal" transaction, a different quality of compassion manifests ("Selfless love and giving yourself away") which is more useful and adapted to each situation, as it comes from stillness and presence, rather than from an egoic, preconceived agenda.





BTW 1.   A third podcast manifested on the VoiceAmerica Business Channel w/Maureen Metcalf. This one is "Are You Updating Your Mental Operating System?".   The first two are now "top ten" on the channel.




BTW 2.   Stefan Schwartz, the award-winning film director returned for another two days here, and then we met near NYC on the set of the award-winning show, "The Americans" where he is directing.

Amazing time chatting w/Matthew Rhys and Keri Russell, and the great crew, and watching Stefan's masterful directing of very skilled actors to get the most out of every scene.  

12 comments:

  1. When one realizes that which is self-sufficient and self-fulfilling (one's own Self), well, it changes everything.

    Thanks Gary

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    1. Hi Roy,

      Yes, exactly...it really does change everything.

      stillness
      gary

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  2. Hi Gary,
    I just started my Self discovery journey some time mid of this year. My focus now is to work on compulsive thinking and being present. The challenge is my social circle, they are unaware. It seems rather hard to stay present when talking or listening seems to stimulate more blah, blah. People like to talk, gossip and complain. I feel I need to switch off, but yet that is not being present. So, my question is, can we work on being present in an environment that contains blah, blah (which seems to feed to our own blah, blah? or we are simply better off minimising contact with people (at least for the time being...)?

    Relationships will be affected as it is hard to explain to others. Yet, the work has to continue...

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    Replies
    1. Hi Sin Yi,

      When you are with others in your social circle, and they are "unaware", a great practice for being present, is to use the self-inquiry question, "When am I?" as discussed in the video "When is the 'I'? NOW" @ https://youtu.be/xCa8C13lMB4.

      See if the same Sin Yi shows up for every relationship during the day, or if a different Sin Yi manifests for each situation. It is a powerful practice and it will make you more present for their talking, gossiping and complaining, but not necessarily involved in it.

      What typically happens as you go deeper into the work, as discussed in the blogpost, is that many of them will notice that you have changed and may begin to leave you out of meetings, or avoid you. you are not obliged to be with them, but it is also not necessary to avoid all folk.

      i find that i very much like being alone a lot, and if someone is really problematic, i just avoid them if possible. Sometimes in a job, or even social situation, you will be around such folk and it is uncomfortable. Feel this discomfort and then inquire into "What is this that feels uncomfortable?". Allow the question to move you into your own internal, still, and deep space and remain present there, even as you are with them.

      Trust this is useful.

      stillness

      Delete
  3. Thanks for the great post Gary. You da real OG!

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    1. Gratitude for the feedback and wonderful that you found the post so useful. i've been called a lot of things, good and bad, but never "da real OG", but appreciate the sentiment behind it. Actually, Ramana is "da real, real OG"...

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  4. Thanks Gary, great post and very interesting podcast (VoiceAmerica Business Channel).

    Regarding to this part of the post: …..“you'll see that our "pleasures" are ways to get into the "nondual" space, whether it's free climbing, alcohol, sex, hobbies, games, etc...anything but remain in the "blah, blah"

    Do you think that some all these ways to go into the nondual space help in some way? I always try to remain in the “task network mode” when I’m not working with self-enquiry. If you are studying or working you are in the “task network” mode and I’m wandering if this help as well….”anything but remain in the blah,blah”.

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    1. Hi Jose Antonio,

      Yes, some of these ways to get into the nondual space are helpful, as they give the brain useful data time in the nondual space. However, some of them give a very short period of nonduality/pleasure, and a lot of craving, stories, disappointments, etc./pain/suffering, so i encourage folk to explore options with more pleasure and less pain/suffering to replace/displace the problematic approaches.

      Being in the "task network" keeps you out of the "blah, blah" Default Mode Network, so you aren't feeling that pain and suffering, but it doesn't really deconstruct the ego/I that is at the root of the "blah, blah".

      That's why we do self-inquiry and letting-go exercises, as you are doing, so that when we aren't in the Tasking Network, we are in an increasingly more still, and less problematic, Default Mode Network.

      stillness

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  5. Would you trade your Awakening for something else if you have the choice?

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    1. Hi Alvaro Souza,

      No. There is nothing else that compares and i've had a very full life and lots of opportunities to explore other options. There is nothing even close, which i said in a Science and NonDuality panel discussion in the Netherlands and then urged folk to "Go All In", which is in the video "Living in Nonduality - The Hard Questions" @ https://youtu.be/SOvdVjOtMXgand.

      stillness

      Delete
  6. Hello, at 52, I have discovered I am ADHD with HP. And I am trying to find my way, and know who I am. With constant ups and downs, love and a family and an enormous resilience (to losing all), I remain extremely positive. However I still cannot find my road, and the blabla is very noisy. I have just found you, and after several videos, I am now going to just enjoy the stillness that this one has given me. I will continue, and look forward to your company, on my journey to where am I. Thank you

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    1. Hi Helen Christine,

      Great that you have found the videos and blogposts so useful. If you look under "Show More" in any of my videos, you'll see links to all of my stuff, including books, interviews, website, etc., all free in some format.

      There are lots of resources, all free in some format. There is a lot there, which begs the question of how one decides which one to listen to. IME, the "right" resource at that time will "feel" different from all others. The blogpost "Feeling your way to nondual awakening" @ http://happinessbeyondthought.blogspot.com/2015/04/feeling-your-way-to-nondual-awakening.html can give some helpful tips.

      It is also discussed in my first book "Happiness Beyond Thought: A Practical Guide to Awakening", which many folk have found to be very useful.

      It is important to keep in mind that none of us is in control of "these lives".

      Ramana Maharshi and Albert Einstein discovered the same thing:

      Questioner: How did you make your amazing discoveries?

      Einstein replied: "I claim credit for nothing. Everything is determined, the beginning as well as the end, by forces over which we have no control. It is determined for the insect, as well as for the star. Human beings, vegetables, or cosmic dust, we all dance to a mysterious tune, intoned in the distance by an invisible piper."


      Questioner: "Are only the important things in a person's life, such as their main occupation or profession, predetermined, or are trifling acts also, such as taking a cup of water, or moving from one part of the room to another?

      Ramana replied: "Everything is predetermined".

      stillness

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