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| Gary Weber |
...Difficult phase right now. I feel as though over the last couple years of practice my sense of self has been whittled down more and more. Now I've hit a point where it seems all that is left is shame, self hatred, and trauma. My days are fine but my sits are full of tears. In a sense I am happy because I feel like i'm having to look at stuff i've tried to bypass. I was starting to do concentration practice and got really unbelievably concentrated after 4 days of 3-5 hours sitting a day. But it seems I hit a wellspring of masochism etc. I've switched to metta (loving kindness) practice. Trying to learn how to care for my 'self.' I would be curious to see if this looks familiar to you, or if you have any wisdom to offer.
G.
namaste.
don't be troubled by the tears - had many tears at several points. Try to feel when you are crying what is in consciousness. Is there any predominant feeling or are you just crying for no apparent reason? It may be crying for the metaphorical death of what was conceived to be "Andre".
Don't be concerned, or put off, by the "shame, self-hatred and trauma" - you are just encountering what is deepest in your core "I". It is a desperate attempt by the "I/you" concept to hang on to its existence by whatever means it can find, whatever "clinging" there may be, whatever buttons are left to be pushed.
Another indication is your feeling that it is stuff that you've "tried to bypass". It is probably exactly that. That is the last vestige of "Andre".
The shift to a "metta"/loving-kindness practice is not something that i would have recommended. It really, where you are, is likely to just strengthen the flip side of the "shame, self-hatred" and keep it somewhat intact. It is what is, however, and it manifested.
i would encourage you to try a practice of asking "who is it that is shameful?", "who is unworthy?", "what is this that "hates itself"?", "what is this self that is hated?".
you might just want to back off a little on your sitting practice for a while until things stabilize a little and this phase works it way through.
Don't worry, it's going fine. Just don't get scared by it. It will pass.
Hope this useful. Let me know how it goes.
Hey Gary,
Thanks for your reply. When I am crying it is either related to a feeling or just for no apparent reason. I have been going through both. I have thought that this may be the death throws of "Andre". 7-8 months ago when I was going through stuff I thought that was "Andre" grabbing his last bag of tricks, that time period was more characterized by fear. Now I don't feel afraid really, just shame. Strangely growing calm with the tears and stuff coming up.
I can appreciate what you are saying about metta perhaps re-inforcing the opposite of shame--which could slow progress. I think for me, since dwelling in the absolute got me to this wellspring of pain I am wary of continuing down that path--as I think about it, that probably is just indicative of the fear of "Andre" leaving for good.
This morning as I was asking who is it that is feeling shameful it became clear that that feeling and Andre are one and the same. Still some resistance to letting the Andre finally unravel.
I read your new blog post on trauma. An interesting piece. I know it may sound silly, but I worry about repeating destructive patterns once Andre has left and fear that if I don't address it on this side, I might not be able/have the inclination to on the other.
Anyway, thanks again for getting back to me, I really appreciate it
namaste.
Great that you are experiencing "strangely growing calm with the tears and stuff coming up". If there was some impending psychological crisis, that would not be occurring. your deeper Truth is coming to the fore.
re "worry about repeating destructive patterns once Andre has left and fear that if I don't address it on this side, I might not be able/have the inclination to on the other.", keep "in mind" that what brought you so far was not Andre, it was the increasing absence of Andre.
These fears about needing Andre "on the other side" to "address" "destructive patterns", are just a trick, an excuse, of/for Andre who wants to stay around. Andre doesn't want to lose his exalted position. you will ultimately find that the entire process has been orchestrated by "the Universe" to go back Home again.
It is like the Rumi poem of "whatever brought me here will have to take me home" - this process is of, by and for the Universe/Consciousness, whatever you want to call it, not for Andre.
The resistance to letting Andre go or "unravel" is just Andre's fear and the uncertainty of what might await. It is perfectly "normal", but you will discover, ultimately "no problem".
namaste.
Namaste.
Thank you for your response. What you write makes a lot of sense. Its stuff that I 'know' but keep having to remind myself...
Its time to go home.
FYI, "Andre" is not the questioner's real name.
Try some gratitude around this and then examine where these "beliefs" came from. It will put you in the right frame to process this in a holistic way.
ReplyDeleteLorraine,
ReplyDeletei have not found "examining where beliefs came from" to be of much value. As Ramana Maharshi said, "there is no point in examining, you will die examining". The only approach which worked, IME, was to deconstruct the holder of the beliefs, the I/me/my that was holding the beliefs. Then the entire house of cards came down, all by itself. In working w/folk, when that is done, they are astonished at what was there hidden and disguised, and how it unwinds, really holistically, all by itself, once the "I" is exposed.
stillness
gary