Dialogues w/Rikki 5 - Reconciled w/dad, car broke down, Rome, anger, dancing

Following the "Dialogues w/Dominic" series ("Dominic's Awakening Continues...", "DIY nondual awakening w/big job, family, 3 yrs on/off practice", etc.) i got another very different folk, "Rikki" (real name), to agree to reproduce our dialogues.  

he is single, mid-twenties, working in a job he's not crazy about.  he's been on "the path" for a while and saw "no self" about 2 years ago.  This is the fifth of these chronological "Dialogues w/Rikki"; the first was "Stuck in "dead-end" job, making career choices, spiritual alignment.", the second was "Deepening/changing practices, losing interest in socializing", third was "joy of NOT being in control, feeling meditation, no "I" needed",  fourth was “jealousy, anger, letting go,dancing”.

Rikki

Got a way to get some work experience in a pharmacy every Tuesday...look what happens when you just get out of the way.  

Super busy today and was very hungry, thoughts were incredibly loud.   

I have seen you report the same thing. Peanut butter bagel and life is quiet again.

Are there any documentaries you would recommend?

Gary

Ah, yes, the peanut butter bagel awakening...many folk just don't believe so much depends on having a good energy level.

An interesting article on why the mind wanders when your energy level is down is "Wait, what's that? The Science Behind Why Your Mind KeepsWandering".

re documentaries, "Kumare" is an excellent demonstration of how easily we can be manipulated, spiritually.

Great news on the pharmacy work experience. She keeps dancin'...

Here is the Isha Upanishad intro (chanting this w/skyping)

Rikki

Interesting observation today - like 'I' am watching someone else's life through their eyes. 

No sense of any of it being mine.   Could have picked this awareness up and dropped it into any random person.

Watching their life, their struggles, hopes, wants, fears. etc.

No sense of it being mine, just it being, out there. 

Me, sat back watching, curious and uncaring of what happens.   Quiet.

No sense of I. Free falling into nowhere, with no boundaries.   As you say, dissolving back into the ocean.

Everything and nothing.

Gary

Perfect...when the wave goes away, all there is then is ocean...everything and nothing.

Rikki

Car just broke down, 2 days before vacation.

Unsure how this will play out, sitting back watching how this resolves itself.  Or not.

Noticed resistance in me, wanting things to go a certain direction.  Giving that up, letting go and seeing what happens. 

Maybe it'll take a few 'wrong' turns and lead me somewhere new, and cool.

Or not.  Happy either way.

I really, really can't do this as good as It does Itself.   Thinking that I could connect all the dots is now laughable.

Maybe I'll let go and the whole world will collapse, everything breaking, chaos, loss of everything.   I guess we'll have to find out...

Adventure.

Gary

Most important is how unattached you are to the outcome, which is the only useful way to be in a situation like this.

Burning Man

A woman i work w/planned to return to Burning Man, a ritual in the New Age scene, where she has been active.  "Stuff happened" suddenly and she had to cancel and ended up in Paris meeting all sorts of interesting folk.

It really, really is all out of our hands. Try to get the car fixed and see what happens.   

It is a fascinating dance.

Rikki

Made it here to Rome, and really amazed at how beautiful it is.   Not just the big attractions, but every little backstreet and crumbling building is gorgeous.   Very happy.

Heading home soon, feeling anxious about that.   I love having a simple room, backpack with a camera, some food and water and exploring the city. 

Everything new, fresh, no memories. A blank canvas on which to live life.

Thinking about home fills me w/dread.

Trevi Fountain
Rome

Car I need to sort out, job I hate, people I detest.

Trying to use this time away to gain perspective, to accept and let go.

Need to live from this quiet perspective I have now, kill this old caricature.   Worried about slipping back into home life, my tired zombie life.

Holidays are great to push the reset button and disappear for a while.  Imagining how cool life would be to go home to med school, a life I enjoy.

Realize this is not best practice, clearly I need to accept the situation I'm in.

Maybe it will change, perhaps not.

Both are OK I know, mentally, harder to see when emotions attach and a story is created.

Let go, let go, let go.

Love

Gary

It is great to get the perspective of being in a new place w/o any triggers in your surrounding environment to pull you back into stories, expectations, and memories.

It is also a great practice as you are "shown" those stories, those old memories, as purely mental creations and have the opportunity of seeing them from your new "quiet perspective".

As you reenter your "tired zombie life", be really present w/who it is that has those reactions, to whom the strong feelings arise, etc.

Don't push them away, just invite them in and let them dance.

Use them as strong, clear pointers back to who it is that experiencing them.

See your "old caricature" for what it is, just an old story that applies to no one anymore.   That "person" is gone, forever, only a mental construct, an avatar.

Work with your imagining of how something else might be so much better - it might not be that way, when/if it does manifest.    As the old saying goes "no matter where you go, there you are".

As you said, "let go, let go, let go"...always, of both what you perceive as the "good" and the "bad".   Let go of the one who has the stories about Rome, let go of the old caricature, let go of the one who has the tired zombie life, just let go...

Rikki

Wow man, tough day.

Kinda had a huge blowout at work. 

Drove home in an enormous huff.  I hate when I get so mad.  It's almost like I enjoy it. Self inquiry makes a small appearance but the fire is too hot.   Self destructive.

Actually had suicidal thoughts, I just wanna disappear.   Work stress, car stress, i'm done with this.   Amazed at the contrast between a couple weeks ago, then Rome, and now this week.

Decided to really look into health care jobs, only thing holding me back is the pay cut. Feeling negative right now, like I want to avoid people as I don't want to spill my toxic mood out into the world.

Seeing gf later, feel like i'll have to hide my mood because God himself wouldn't want to hang around me right now.

Gary

Don't know how your time w/your gf went, but hopefully she calmed the waters a little.

The big "challenge" in this work is that one finds the untruth, the unreality, from which they have been living.  That can often result in some big changes in lifestyle, relationships, work, etc.

i found out that i was living from deep fear, so my life dramatically changed when that fell away.   

As you have often said, there is something that is trying to get out.  It may be that a lower-paying health care job will be the place to express that.  It's all about the ego/I having created a "big lie" which is being exposed, and anger is a likely response.

As far as wanting to disappear, that is what is happening gradually, it really is "I/self/ego destructive", except it isn't suicide.   The ego/I is fighting for its survival. 

Suicide is not really I/self/ego destructive, it is the ego/I wanting to do anything, even destroy the body, to avoid its gradual dissolution.

Rikki

Yeah, it feels like i'm trying to cut some thick chords of attachment, surrounded by a barbed, electrified fence and they really don't want to be cut. 

This really is my greatest challenge.

An idea came to me talking w/gf's family of getting a lower-paying healthcare job there and moving in w/them, which would make the pay cut less of a problem.

Interesting how that came about, as it ties up a lot of loose ends, and feels right to both of us.  Walking on very 'uncertain' ground in almost every way.

Interesting to watch it dance. Big energy about to enter the mix, this could be fun...

Gary

Sounds like the Universe has danced forth a solution to many issues, all at the same time, wrapped in one package.

She is clever that way, but then since She is everything it's not so hard for Her.

It would be impossible for us to do that, that's why i'm totally OK w/Her doing it.

Rikki

Darkest before dawn they say. Storm seems to have passed to a brighter day.  

Our talk on suicide came up again today, and I thought 'Yeah, let it go. Die.'  Death of the ego.  The divine suicide.

Working through some very old emotions/energies.

I've stuffed a bunch of bad stuff under the rug and am working through it 10+ years later.  

Your meditation videos (Gary Weber - NonDual Awakening Meditation) helped create more space, starting to let go of some big chunks in one hit.    Enjoying feeling the 'right' choice come up vs mentally agonizing over every detail.

Very much aware of just sitting back and watching it all happen.

Also aware of how seemingly personal this whole process is.

I can let go internally and nobody need know. Step back quietly and let the dancer dance.   Sweet salvation.

Seeing a massive difference in how life is progressing.  Really can see It doing it all by itself.   Tying up loose ends I could never in a million years.   Everything does itself so easily.  

Seeing no me to be enlightened, just awakening. Nothing to attach to enlightenment.

Writing about what I already knew intellectually, but experiencing things in real time, dynamically living it, seeing it in motion.   Completely different.

Something I had repressed, but I haven't spoken to my dad in 3 years. Basically I didn't want to be in contact over a decision he made, so I kinda shut off.

I have very few stories left anymore, and they fall away so easily when they do arise.   The brain is in 'let go' mode and deletes old info very easily.

We met up and spoke for hours, no resentment, no past. Something I probably would have chewed over for ages cured itself instantly.

Suicide talk is kinda funny now, i'm not hearing it anymore. I've stepped back, left the building.

Rikki* has gone fishin'!!

*not here anymore

Gary

Great stuff, esp watching the "old stories" fall away, like w/your dad, naturally, easily, "all by themselves". Just being w/him, w/o resentment, w/o past, meeting in "now, now, now".
Rikki has left the building...