Lying - Are "white lies" OK...helpful? necessary? harmful?

Ron Howard
Standford

Q.  There is so much lying and deceit in the spiritual landscape, politics, in the news, etc.  Why is there so much lying?

G.  Sam Harris' new book "Lying" asks the question which was the focus of a college course @ Stanford, "Is it wrong to lie?".   While there are situations where it is clearly dangerous for you and others if you don't lie, Harris' professor, Ronald Howard, demonstrated that even when most "good people" would lie w/o a qualm, it is virtually always possible to find a truth worth telling.  

Often these discussions focus on extreme situations like "Yes, but how about when Nazis are at the door...?", etc.  As the main character in the TV drama "House" often said, "Everybody lies".   When do Harris and Howard believe is it OK to lie?

Harris, w/a Ph.D. in neuroscience, found that his brain's "firmware" was fundamentally upgraded in the course.  Harris wrote several useful, well-reasoned books on difficult topics:  "Letter to a Christian Nation", "Free Will", "The Moral Landscape", and "The End of Faith".  (See blogpost "Who's responsible if there's no free will?  How did guilt and shame develop?")

Harris defines what a lie is, and makes a distinction between "deception" and "lies", i.e. not all "deceptions" are "lies".

"Deceptions" are defined as a) not pointing out that a friend looks particularly harried today, b) hurrying past an acquaintance on the street and pretending not to notice them, and c) not pointing out that someone just said one of the dumbest things imaginable, etc.

In these situations, we do not "deliberately manufacture falsehood or conceal important facts to the detriment of others".   If we mislead others "when they expect honest communication" this is a "lie".   If we see a magician, or are playing poker, we expect to be misled, so are not "lied" to.

There is also a distinction between "truth" and "truthfulness".   Speaking "truthfully" is to accurately and honestly represent your beliefs, although they may be mistaken and hence not the "truth".   you also may not tell the "whole" truth because it is too voluminous or not what anyone in the discussion understands or cares about.  If you are not certain, tell folk your degree of uncertainty - that is honesty.  

Steven Colbert

"Truthfulness" is not "Truthiness", Steven Colbert's "Word of the Year" in 2005/2006.  "Truthiness" is a quality pertaining to a "truth" that someone claims they know w/o regard to "evidence, logic, intellectual examination or facts."   

Harris' work focuses on "white lies", which are the lies we tell to spare others' discomfort.   These are the lies "good people tell while imaging they are being good in the process."  

How do you feel when you are told a "white lie" by a friend and later discover it was not true.  Would you rather have wanted to known the truth?  How do you regard that friend now?

As we all are "liars", when we go to bed tonight, we will have told many lies during the day.  As Harris asks "What does this say about us and about the life we are making w/one another?"

There are many studies on lying.   One found that 10% of communication between spouses is deceptive.  (DePaulo and Kashy, "Everyday Lies in Close and Casual Relationships").  Another, that 38% of encounters among college students contain lies.  (DePaulo, "Lying in Everyday Life").

Other research demonstrates that all forms of lying, including "white lies", are associated w/less satisfying relationships.  (Kole, "Lying to the One You Love: The Use of Deception in Romantic Relationships" and Kalbfleisch, "Deceptive Message Intent and Relational Quality").

Interestingly, children do not learn how to tell "white lies" until about the age of four, when they become aware of others' mental states.  (Broomfield, et al., "Children's Understanding About White Lies".)

Harris points out, that by lying, "we deny our friends access to reality", and "Honesty is a gift we can give to others.  It is also a source of  power and an engine of simplicity."   Knowing that we told the truth in the past leaves us with nothing to keep track of, and needs no special preparation.  As Jimmy John's sub shop quote says "Telling the truth is not only moral, it is more efficient."

Sam Harris

Harris uses examples, like "Do i look fat in this?".  We all know that "No" is the easy, strategic answer.   But is it helpful?  What if you said "No, it's the outfit"?   

What if your friend is seriously overweight and it is hurting him/her in so many ways?   Is there some way/time you could constructively and supportively discuss it w/them?  They are already well aware of it.

Harris calls it a "clear failure of friendship" if you lie, as you are not helping him/her to do what you think (s)he needs to do to get what (s)he wants out of life.  

If you tell "the truth" as you see it, w/o hurting or offending, folk will know that your praise is also real and not mere flattery.  In being honest, you avoid long term problems, but perhaps w/short-term discomfort.  you may find that "truthfulness" takes practice, and getting used to cancelling plans, declining invitations, critiquing others' work, etc.

With the ubiquity of social media, you may as well tell your friend the "truth" as (s)he will soon see it displayed somewhere else, and wonder why you didn't tell her earlier.   

you may find that some friendships are not really that, and cannot be honestly maintained.   It may also force a dysfunction in our life to surface or reveal ways that we want to grow but haven't.  

Harris uses the story of someone who has struggled for years to be an actor, but "everyone knows" that (s)he is a terrible actor, and "white lies" it.  Instead of having them believe that if they just try harder they will make it, what if you told them, compassionately, what your perception is, acknowledging that it is just your perception? It might save years of unsuccessful struggling so that they could refocus their efforts more productively.  By lying to them, you are really not helping, but are laying the groundwork for much future unhappiness.

This "white lies" behavior is also a recognized problem in major corporations.  When i was @ GE, all middle-level managers heard, often from its originator, Jerry Harvey, the story of "The Bus to Abilene", taken from his seminal management paper, "The Abilene paradox: The Management of Agreement."  

The story describes the breakdown in group communication from each member's believing their own preferences are counter to the group's, and then not raising objections to a decision.   This results in a bad decision nobody wanted.  i saw it over and over again in my corporate days, often w/dire outcomes.

One of the societal "big lies", is that "everyone is great", like in Garrison Keillor's Lake Wobegon where "the men are strong, the women are all good looking, and the children are all above average".  A local high school recently had 11 valedictorians.  This has become pervasive in the grade creep @ colleges and universities.

You mean you're
not real???

This is clearly not true, and the realities of the "real world" will soon descend on this delusion w/a vengeance.  This sows the seeds of distrust of the original source, like when we discovered "The Heartbreaking Truth About Santa Claus" when we were told it by a friend, or the internet, instead of our parents.   

With the ubiquity of the internet, and w/two year old kids being able to navigate an iPhone/iPad, it isn't long before they put "Santa Claus fake" in the Google search box, and get 5,600,000 hits (really).     

i was giving a talk @ a retreat in San Rafael, CA and was asked what i did when folk weren't "getting it" after much effort.  i responded that i told them the truth, i.e., that they should "do something else, like work on their golf game", or find another path.     

Nisargadatta

This generated protest at my perceived lack of compassion and understanding.  i continue w/this approach as, IME, it is beneficial, and compassionate, to help folk find a more suitable practice, which may not be "spiritual", for their ultimate happiness.  

Nisargadatta, one of the 20th century's iconic advaita masters (Video), as detailed in his "I Am That" (free .pdf), threw out many/most of the folk coming to his place in Bombay/Mumbai even before they got to sit down, and many were ejected after a few visits.

The world of "spiritual teaching" is, IME, a fertile ground for deceit, lying, and manipulation as were the other fields of endeavor i was in, including private industry, national laboratories, the military, etc., all of which have their problems. 

Kumare w/followers

Kumare w/followers

The Internet is full of examples of lying and manipulation in all spiritual traditions.  Few practitioners have not seen or heard of these.  A (deliberate) demonstration of just how easily this can be done is the film, "Kumare", mentioned in earlier posts.  (Available from Netflix, iTunes and Amazon.)

As Sam Harris stated, "Lying is the royal road to chaos" and is "guaranteed to make us unhappy".   So see if you can often find a useful and compassionate alternative to telling "white lies", something that will make you, and those you used to tell them to, happier.