Dialogues with Oskar - Consciousness, resistance, spiritual identity, progress

We have had three subjects in our "Dialogues with..." series - Dominic, Rikki and John, on our communication as we worked through their processes.  

Sumi-e by Oskar

Our most recent blogpost was "Dialogues with Oskar - Stressful situations, rock climbing, loneliness, isolation", with Oskar from Barcelona, Spain, 45 years old, and an IT Service Manager at Catalonia University.  He is a rock climber and sumi-e painter who has meditated nearly every day for 8 years.  

This post takes up where the other left off.  These are edited from e-mails over the last 3+ years - oldest first.  my comments are in italics.  If anyone wants the originals, let me know.

K 

Is all this just a training game for the brain to change or is there something beyond that?  Something beyond the material world and the laws of physics?

G

Yes, there is "Something" beyond that, IME, that encompasses all of us, is in and through all of us. Our latest quantum physics and cosmology points to the reality of this Universal Field, but they can only go so far.  

Higgs field

As the field must have at least all of the properties we have, and as it is pervasive, it is likely self-aware, self-conscious, and learning about itself.  (Blogpost "How 'consciousness' creates matter...the God particle")

Much occurs in my daily life that is highly improbable and very synchronistic - this is the most logical explanation, IMHO.  If one accepts this, then one surrenders to the Universal Field, which has been running everything all along anyway, beyond our cognition or control.

 K

Thank you very much :)

I found it interesting that you like chanting and music.  Someone said that if you give some practices to the mind that it likes (like music or the bliss of presence), it lets the process unfold without interfering much.

Does it make sense?

G 

Agree that giving the mind something to be interested in, like chanting, can help the process unfold w/o interfering.  However, Presence is not giving the mind something to do.   

Presence has always been there, and is seen naturally, as mind gets out of the way.  The less of I/me/my there is, the less "mind" there is, until all there is, is Presence.

K 

Sadness

Experiencing some problems in meditating, like my body or mind doesn’t want to do it, but the rest of the day I felt more focused than ever.  Yesterday I felt very sad and depressed.  I'm a happy person and don’t feel that way often.  I couldn’t find any reason for my sadness.  

After lunch I took a break and suddenly felt that thoughts are leading my life and I don’t have any control over them, so I don’t have any control in my life.  I knew it before, but somehow I felt it more deeply this time.  I felt really detached from my thoughts and was really sure that life unfolds without my doing...

The rest of the day passed very happily with fewer thoughts than ever and a good sensation of Presence and bliss.  In some moments, I even thought that It was going to last forever.

Today I feel more like always but I can connect to my feeling of Presence more easily than ever and somehow I feel more peaceful.  This morning I couldn’t meditate well.  It was like my sense of "I am" was too weak...

It was like a very, very small kensho.  I'm feeling very optimistic!

Thank you for all.

K 

I've kept working and the process keeps unfolding.  Meditation is deeper than ever and quite effortless.  In the past weeks, there are lots of days in which I feel that thoughts appear and disappear without touching "me".

In meditation some days, there are lots of thoughts but it’s as if they aren’t mine. They don’t disturb me most of the time, they're just irrelevant, and I ignore them.

Abiding in my Self is quite continuous now.  It all started about one month ago after some kind of insight I had about the nature of myself as awareness - first about awareness being present all the time and second about relaxing into no-doership.

I cannot say it's absolutely stable, but I feel that now I'm really starting to abide in my real Self, most of the time.  Sometimes, I get lost in powerful thoughts (mostly spiritual ones) but they're few.

Personal events happen now that earlier could affect me, but I see them as just "what it is".   I'm not perfectly at peace and relaxed but I’m not worried or anxious either.

I keep working, but now it doesn’t feel like working.  I feel good even when I cannot meditate because of time pressures.  It worried me a lot some months ago, but now I feel that the whole day, the whole life, is practice in itself.

Thank you very much for all, amigo.

G 

The fact that your meditation is now deeper and effortless and that you have had deep insights on the "the nature of myself as awareness” is excellent.  

Spiritual identity

Having most of your problematic thoughts be about "spiritual" work is what can easily happen.  

It is a challenge to not get caught up in our "spiritual identity", particularly as we see more progress and the experiences deepen.  

The best antidote is to recognize that our spiritual identity, is just that, another identity, and no more wonderful or useful than any other identity.  

Many folk get lost here, and their "spiritual" achievement fades, as it only manifested when the "I", spiritual or not, was not there.   The "I" is always anxious to rush in and claim credit for any achievement, including spiritual ones, which it had no part in creating.  

Keep doing your practice, alert for the I/ego deflecting deeper work, like blocking a particular inquiry.   Shifting from "Where am I?", or "When am I?" to an affirmation or negation, like "I am not this body", "I am not these thoughts", etc. can continue to move the practice deeper.  

Move the practice into your daily interactions w/others as they are where we will see ourselves most clearly.  This is really important if you don’t have time to do your meditation practice.  Constant watchfulness is the price of freedom.

Persist, persist, persist.  

K 

While going to sleep I was trying to see clearly that I'm not my thoughts and felt a very subtle shift in identification.  In the past ‘my’ thoughts were telling me "you're consciousness", but no one was really believing.


I felt that for the first time I was Consciousness and not thoughts.  There was no doubt.  Some subtle but important change was made in identification or beliefs.  All thoughts are seen as unimportant and useless as they arise, but are pervaded by a great silence and calm.

Old feelings and identification returned, very subtle, less strong, but they persist.  I go back to peaceful consciousness automatically after every thought or text read or spoken.   I felt that was an important kensho.

Thank you very much, how can I thank you for all the help you're giving me?

G 

Yes, that is just how it is, just a subtle shift, but a vast change.  One moment, you are your thoughts trying to understand how you can be Consciousness...the next moment, it shifts and you clearly are, and always have been, and will always be, Consciousness. 

Thoughts are manifesting, but they aren't "you".   It is so clear, so evident, so right, so "yes".  

A deep pervasive Stillness is there, naturally, easily, and softly.  Even as thoughts arise and fall away, less frequently than before, they aren't identified with, aren't who you are.  They're just like the mist passing through the mountains, owned by no one.  

K 

Should I keep practicing as before or change something?

Meditation now is like doing nothing, the real shikantaza - just abiding in me.  It doesn’t really matter if there are thoughts or not... and of course that helps to go deeper...

Somehow I feel that my daily mindfulness is worse than before but I think it's just a feeling because no effort is made in any moment to go back to awareness, to me...

Love

G 

The right balance

Feel your way into the "right" balance between a) allowing the brain to deconstruct the "I" itself, while "you" are passive and b) engaging a "mini-doer" to actively deconstruct the residue of the "I", which is still there.  

If there are self-referential thoughts, there is an I/me/my there, and it will adapt to the new situation and reassert itself.   Continue w/a) until it is obvious that there is increasing obscuring of the "Stillness".

The perception that "daily mindfulness is worse than before" is not a good indicator, as our memories of prior states are incorrect and heavily influenced by how we feel now.   (Blogpost - "Traumatic memories feel true, but are always changing")   

As you have gotten more still, what before were minor, or unnoticed phenomena, now seem much larger.  It gets more and more subtle.  

K 

Yes, there's still work to do! :)
Keeping meditating, and some kind of mini-doer, during the rest of the day sounds perfect to me!

I'm not sure what you mean by "increasing obscuring of the stillness".

G 

By "increasing obscuring of stillness", i mean that you should continue "passively" until you see that "Stillness", which is always present, starts to be clouded over by the I/ego.  When you do, "actively" engage the "mini-doer" with some inquiry to clear away the clouds again and see only the Stillness.

K

Sumi-e by Oskar

It's been about a month and a half since my last mail.

I've been enjoying a new life.  First I was amazed and then sometimes I was in an "I got it/I lost it" anguish until I saw that it was impossible to "lose it" :)

Stillness and silence are getting deeper and the sense of an Oskar is getting very weak.  All thoughts are weak and their impact in the body or mind doesn’t last. 

BTW, "Google has removed the ability for people with Twitter, Yahoo, Orkut or other OpenId providers to sign in to Google Friend Connect and follow Google blogs.  Google has also removed non-Google Account profiles.   If you use a non-Google Account to follow this blog, you need to sign up for a Google Account, and re-follow the blog...you’ll get blogs added to your Reading List."