Dialogues with Oskar...new places, losing control, fewer Oskars, love

We have had three subjects in our "Dialogues with..." series - Dominic, Rikki and John, on our communication as we worked through their processes.  

This is our third blogpost with Oskar from Barcelona, Spain, 45 years old, and an IT Service Manager at Catalonia University.  He is a rock climber and sumi-e painter who has meditated nearly every day for 8 years.  The previous posts were "Dialogues with Oskar - Stressful situations, rock climbing, loneliness, isolation" and "Dialogues with Oskar - Consciousness, resistance, spiritual identity, progress".  

In the comments to the latter post, Oskar described his meditation practice, and gave his e-mail "tao.te.kat at gmail" and blog - http://petitcalfred.wordpress.com.

This post takes up where the last one left off, edited from e-mails over the last 3+ years - oldest first.  my comments are in italics.  If anyone wants originals, let me know.

K  

Oskar climbing in China

I was climbing in China.    In the past progress is great while on holidays or out of "my usual world" and this was also the case.

I've kept doing formal meditation but in daily activities it is hard to not "forget myself", as in "not being aware of awareness".   I don’t feel it is needed.   My mini-doer is very weak now and I live most of the time just letting things happen, no past, no future.

I've been focusing on non-duality, and “Where am I?" comes to mind often.  I'm starting to look to the world trying to deepen its nonduality…it's difficult to explain.  I don’t feel the seen world as "me" but I feel attracted by my perceptions to show me something.   

The sense of self is losing its position, so it's hard to say “where” I am.

G 

Being out of our "usual world" is a great place for major progress.   In our "usual world", there are many "memory tags" that pull us into stories.   In a new environment, the brain is more alert and focused, and w/o "tags", deeper work is possible.  

Oskar teaching climbing

The state you are in is not a problem.   As you have seen, it is impossible to "lose it", which is a great understanding.  The "I" is becoming dissociated as it is apparent that there is no solid, fundamental, singular "I".   The individual "I"s are becoming smaller, but not uniformly…some faster, others slower.

It will become apparent that "the brain is driving the bus" and that you aren't in control of what is happening.  The brain is rearranging its neural structure to abide in that Stillness which it wants above all else.  

The brain has always reorganized "by itself".  It re-functionalizes to improve skills @ rock climbing, writing code, doing IT tasks, learning another language, etc., as it adapts to new skills or environments. 

Now, it is re-functionalizing the I/me/my construct.  The more "data" it gets from glimpses of stillness, the faster it will stabilize in its desired state, returning "Home".  

Feeling that you don't need to do formal meditation is typical.  The residue of the "I" runs around saying "I MUST DO SOMETHING".    Feel carefully if DOING SOMETHING is not "right" - not "in balance".  Trust that deep intuition.  The "I" is panicking, trying to justify its existence.

Things are going well.  Relax, abide, be as still as possible.  

If "Where am I?" is manifesting, go with that.  Use your perceptions as pointers to what is perceiving - don't get distracted.   Imagine yourself on the object and look back at what is perceiving.

K 

Your words always resonate with me.  It's always like a Christmas gift to receive your mail :)

Oskar - still, calm, relaxed

The path seems easy, but it's subtle.   Let's see how I let the brain do all the work.   As you said, the feeling of "me" is getting weaker as awareness grows.

I'm meditating now but because I found it peaceful and joyful.  I'm moving from the concentration of shikantaza to "just being well with myself", aligned with your advice.

It's happening by/for itself.  I never thought about doing it before it happened.   All things happen this way :)

I'll follow your great advice: be still, be calm, relax

A T-shirt says "stay at the center and let all the things take their course - Lao Tse" :)

K 

Oskar making sumi-e

It's like you said.  The brain/mind is doing the work all alone and Oskar is getting more transparent day after day.

I keep sitting just when it is "wanted".   Just sitting in every moment, doing nothing but staying with myself.

Enjoying roller skating for kms without thinking much.  After the workout, the stillness is even greater than after meditating!  :)

Beginning sumi-e classes.  So nice to paint with an empty mind.

Thank you again for all dear Gary

G 

Such a beautiful flowering, like sumi-e, roller skating without thinking, and sitting in stillness - "doing nothing but staying with myself".

So simple, and yet so elegant, this work is.  

K 

It's been some time since my last mail :)   I don’t like talking about myself as I feel like everything i say isn’t really truthful  :)

Something changes slowly day after day.  There are highs and lows but there's always progress...

The feeling of not being in charge of anything is very strong.  I feel some impersonality, like being lived or sometimes feeling like every moment is a now-now-now.  No plans, no past…just let happen what has to happen (and enjoy the show).

Thoughts haven’t totally stopped, but they're quite irrelevant.  They happen as background.

Me is not at any location.  It’s like looking at reality from outside the world, not exactly with my eyes.  Consciousness is not located at any concrete point.

Sumi-e by Oskar

Perceptions are brighter and closer, sounds brighter, clearer and louder.   I perceive some subtle change in perception but it's difficult to define.

Most of the time I really feel no one is here, just awareness.  Sometimes that makes me feel a bit worried that I haven’t been present enough. But not much. :)

Past-I is nearly over - like I don’t have a past. :)   It's there but never recalled.  Future-I is less deconstructed, but very weak.   I can still get disturbed with problems.

Most of the time I feel peace and stillness.

Meditation is deeper every day.   Sitting and looking, waiting for whatever has to arise.  I'm getting close to something like a "zero" state.  No reason for that, no big deal.  I meditate just because.  I'm not in charge anyway.  :) I meditate as any other activity, just because it has to be done. :)

G  

Great that perceptions are changing and that you are having a difficult time pinpointing where you are.    What remains of the Oskars will suggest approaches to be "done" to make things "better".  

"...the feeling of not being in charge of anything is very strong", as well as feeling you’re "being lived" in "now, now, now" are strong indicators that the brain has taken over the process.   The pattern is being worked out as it "cuts and tries" to optimize and strengthen the new modified OS.

Just keep "sitting and looking" in peace and stillness, not knowing why you're doing the "meditation".  This is valuable "data time" for the brain w/o narrative mind interference.

Trying to guess how things are going from the conscious mind's vantage point is futile.  It can’t see the "unconscious", which is why it’s called that.   It's like trying to understand how a clock works by watching it tell time.   It is great that “we” can’t be aware of, and involved in, what the brain is doing, because we would almost certainly mess it up. 

Being disturbed by problems will diminish.   Watch for narrative spinning a big story.  If that occurs, engage the surrender/letting go approaches or just simply "let go, let go" of it.

It is going "beautifully" Oskar, or whatever remains of that fellow...

K 

After six months living in that new world, while roller-skating it was suddenly realized that "I'm just LIFE" - that brought me a lot of energy and happiness that still lasts.  It was a very energetic feeling of being alive, just life!  

It wasn’t denying that I was consciousness but somehow it was added to consciousness.  It was related to energy and feeling – before it was all thought and consciousness.

It's hard to describe.

It's obvious that we're life, but it's very clear now that I feel bliss and love more often, more like I'm consciousness-bliss or awareness-life.

Oskar's blind cat

I feel more focused and alive with fewer thoughts and am less identified with them.   They arise and pass without any trace.

Whatever I am remains just being there, while body and mind do their work.   Recently there was some tension about thoughts that now has disappeared and I feel more stable and at peace.

I had a dream.  Feeling a lot of love, love as I've never felt, and opening my eyes, my love was all over the things I see, over all the world, and the world was also me, everything was me and was love. It was very intense. 

BTW, i was interviewed by Maureen Metcalf  for the Voice of America Business Channel.  "The brains of leaders: Manage Your Thinking to Improve Your Effectiveness" will air @ 11:00 am PST/2:00 pm EST on Mar. 29.  i will post an .mp3 when it becomes available.